Creative personals

You'd never guess what paper I was reading this in. I couldn't help but burst out laughing when I read them :)
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Lesbian, 30, wants man's cock to play with. Also balls.

Have books destroyed your life too? Shy shallow anglophile, 34, seeks young woman to recreate timeless epic romance. Ability to ride camels, bribe border guards and write letters by whale-oil lamp a must.

This advert formally ends the period of my life I like to jokingly refer to as "the years I spent a lot of money on drugs" and begins the phase I hope will be known in the very near future as "the weekend I had sex with that guy".

My door is always open. Mostly because I live in a barn. Farm-dwelling survivalist and rural hedge enthusiast.

I refuse to let my sadomasochistic tendencies and love of koi define who I am, but if our relationship is to progress to any meaningful level then we will be spending an awful lot of time in the Japanese ornamental section of Worchester Homebase.

I installed a tachometer on this advert to measure swoons.

Sane, solvent, slim M seeks broody F.

If forced to commit, I'd say I feared geese more than ducks. Man, 47. Fears geese more than ducks.

Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.

Dear LRB, I have no money. Please run my advert for free. I want a woman who is 38. Let her know I'm really clever and good-looking. Thanks.
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I was in the London Review Bookshop cafe reading their own published paper, London Review of Books. Next time I need a personal ad written for me, I'm getting a bookworm to do it :P