Pun intended

Hey CH, this one's for you *grin*:
A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.
"Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat.
"They didn't offer us a single bite!"
"What do you expect?" asked the other fish, "They're two shellfish".

Har har har :)

CH's seafood sculpture -
A whelk eating a clam, eating a prawn:

Wow... cocktails, a flaming shot, half bottle of wine, loads of sweet sweet seafood, chocolate tart and dessert wine? How long am I going to have to run to burn off all those calories? *grin* I've also noticed that I will say anything and talk to anyone when drunk.

Me: "I'm doing a survey, if a guy's got the greatest personality in the world, but is really bad in bed, would you still marry him?"
Random Girl sitting next to me: "Of course not. If I wanted great personality, I'd talk to my friends".
Me: *waits for CH to go to the bathroom* "Do you think he's cuuuute?"

I was hoping one of the girls would hit on CH. It backfired, they thought I was his date :P

HOT&BUFF waiter: "I'm going home to my bf and his big c0ck! Did you want to know that?"
Me: *drunken whisper* "Does it... hurt?!?"
HOT&BUFF waiter: "Haha, not if you use lots of gel!!"

I look at a picture of HOT&BUFF waiter's French bf. OMG, he's HOT too... Talk about a fantasy sandwich... *sigh* I hug and kiss the off-duty waiter and run back inside. It's ok, he was pretty drunk too *grin*

I love this place :) Ooh, I guess the company was alright too ;)

Em.bar.rass.ment

Noun: A feeling of self-consciousness, shame or awkwardness.

Lately, I've been thinking of my past. It could be my poor memory, or even my Homer Simpson moment of drunken reality kicking in, but my past is surprisingly unembarrassing. I tried to explain it today, to someone who's only known me for a short time.

Within the close circle of friends I have, we've shared a lot of intensely personal stories. I actually wonder what my closest friends would say if anyone outside the circle asked for embarrassing stories about me.

Hrm... Would you bring up the "Moon" incident on my 20-something-th birthday? How about my penchant for kissing girls after a drink (I still maintain there was no tongue, Ula!)?

I've figured it out, it's not embarrassing when:
:: I have an open honesty policy (you just have to ask the right questions :P ); and
:: I'm lucky enough to have friends who try to outdo each other in the attention grabbing stakes *grin* I think back to all the piss-taking uni presentations we gave infront of each other, and all the effort we put in for each others' 21st birthday parties. There were topless guys in boxers jumping out of boxes infront of my parents for my 21st! Mmm, male exhibitionists friends... 9 years on, and I still remember that moment ;)

There's also The Vault. The friends whom I've shared those intensely personal stories with, know how to keep it in The Vault.

Seinfeld: "I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault. It's a vault!"

It's nice to know that my friends know how to keep The Vault shut :) Even if you haven't, the world hasn't stopped spinning for me.

Time me

Babsy: "Who wants to do this with me? its only 5km which should take about 30minutes!"

So I try running 5km at the gym. Here's my progress:
12 March 33:46
19 March 32:25
24 March 32:03
26 March 31:48

I run and I run and I run...

I hate running. I envy the dF's for their long legs. They could model lingerie for a living. You too, JH! My short stumpy lil pork-hams-for-legs just can't pump fast enough on the treadmill.

30 mins? My big fatass! :) In fact, at the rate I run, it is simply mathematically impossibubble for me to run 5km in 30mins:
9.5km/hour = 0.15833km/min
30mins = 4.7499km!

*puff* *puff* *pant* *pant*... At the 28-29min mark, I up it to 10.5 and sprint. It doesn't help :P

I think my alternate me in a parallel universe (who's also a lingerie model *grin*) has better chances at this game :)

Hot water

Sitting in 38 degree Hungarian waters, I pondered about love at first sight.

And I soon realise the chances of me experiencing that most romantic notion of falling madly in love with my soulmate through a single, lustful, cosmically-aligned glance, is decreasing exponentially with my age.

I stared out at the thermal sea of large middle-aged hairy bellies overspilling in their playful banana hammocks. Love at first sight? Really? It occurs to me, "This must be why love is blind" :P

Love at first sight... It must only be for the young and good looking!

Personally, I can't wait till love gets to the senile stage and my pillow drooling would be considered cute *grin*

It's been awhile

The weather in Rondon has picked up brilliantly :) Couple of weekends ago, I took out my Salomon blades and went round Hyde Park. I've had these blades for about... 10 years!!! I love em. I remember the days of roller hockey (where I used Missy W as my stop mechanism ;) ), and blading around Centennial Park before/after uni lectures with the gang. I remember all the guys wanting a chance to teach WL how to blade *lol*

I still haven't figured out how to stop *grin*
(Meanwhile, if you look closely at the blader behind me, she's going sideways!)

I really hope this weather sticks around...

@daliborus

Do I look Lambo in this? :)

I know, crap picture, but that's all this blog is going to get :P

View from a different window

I've been procrastinating about Iceland, just because I don't know which photos to post up. It's soo hard to choose. I'm just glad I went when it was still cold enough for snow. I don't think the landscape would've been as stunning without it :) The whole time it felt like a photography field trip, with stops in our lil Toyota Yaris (nicknamed Hooter), along the roadside just to capture what would've been the most mundane field anywhere else in the world, looking beautiful in Iceland.

So here's a mix of views from me and my travelling companion. Got to say, it's bl00dy hard competing with someone who has a wide-angle lens SLR...

My first memorable photo stop, was when we noticed snow drifting across the roads and flat plains. It seriously reminded me of nitrogen pouring from a flask in a highschool science experiment:

You think being navigator is easy? Not with roadsigns like these:

Grass never looked prettier than this before :)

If you look closely, I'm trying to do the "Old Shadow Nose Picking Trick" *grin*:

Gullfoss was amazing. I hadn't expected this at all. Almost worth being swept off the ice by the freaking freezing wind to see this force of nature:

Furry icelandic pony:


My most creative shot :)


His view of the road:


My view of the road:


Ze Blue Lagoon!

And remember, you can DRINK BEER while doggy-paddling in the Blue Lagoon. It makes the whole experience a lot more fun :P Nobody told me that!

All my Iceland pix are up on flickr.

Dance dance dance

A couple of months ago, I received an email from my brother along the lines of, "Hey... I was back in Sydnery for New Year's, and watching a trance video clip (Armin, I think?) at a friend's place. Your face suddenly popped up onto the 1m widescreen TV!"

After that, I couldn't resist getting a copy of the Armin Only DVD *lol* So here I am in one of my fleeting dance moments captured on DVD :)

(Good thing my underarms were shaven)

It's funny, but I never thought that I'd reach the end of my must-do event list in Europe after only 5 years. Here's the list:
:: Dance Valley (the start of it all in 2004);
:: Global Gathering (my first UK festival, literally hours after I landed in Heathrow);
:: Valkana Beach (where there was no beach but instead a mountain racetrack in a little village! If you want to know more, I can forward you the email I wrote up at the time);
:: *deep voice* SEN-SA-TION WHITE (back in the Ula&Wilco days :) );
:: Various Armin Only events;
:: PvD & Groove Armada @ Amsterdam Dance Event;
:: O2 Wireless @ Hyde Park
:: Space Opening @ Ibiza
:: SW4 @ Clapham
:: Nature One (Mine and B's first camping festival!)

The last and most recent on my list, Trance Energy just a couple of weeks ago :) That's when it occurred to me, "HEY! This is it! I've done all the events that I've wanted to do!" *grin*

Armin (who else?) @ Trance Energy:

On the 11th July this year, it comes full-circle as I head back to 15 years of Dance Valley with B. Join us! Join us! This is the festival that started me on the path of global DJ hunting :)

What's that saying?

I never thought I'd have this problem, "What to wear to Michelin star restaurants?" :P Ok, I know it sounds really arrogant, however hear me out.

Having been to Tetsuya's, Becasse, Yoshii, *insert top Sydnery restaurant here*, I never questioned myself on what I had to wear for the occasion. My theory was always, I have the cash to splash and it shouldn't matter what I wore. My money is good regardless of my outfit. Here in Rondontown, it's a different story. What you wear has to match the quality of your food and expected service. Michelin stars mean snotty looks if you're not dressed up for the occasion.

I get stressed out about what to wear. Majorly. Because European bodies are a lot longer and more well endowed than what I've been blessed with, dresses just don't fit me properly here. I hate to admit it, but I have purchased one Ted Baker top for special Michelin star dining experiences. Ie: I've only worn this top to Michelin restaurants. It fits and it's frilly. Me, in frills *cringe*

This week, I am going to 3 Michelin starred restaurants. All up, 4 stars in total. Today, under pressure to find a dress at the 23rd hour, I've ended up with one that's bright yellow.

It either makes me look like a cute young canary...

...Or Big Bird's hideous date:

The longer I stared into the mirror before dinner tonight, the more I was convinced it was Big Bird's lucky day.

Bright yellow? What was I thinking? Not only that, but I'm also at that awkward inbetween size. So I had to choose between:
:: Size 8 - Bit squeezy on the side, there's some armpit vag action.
:: Size 10 - Not enough b00bies. If I lift my fork and spoon, the dress falls down.
*sigh* Wtf, can't they have a size 9? :P

Armpit vag it is.

What was I thinking? I think I bought this dress more to spite the girlies who have been clamouring for my cleavage over dinner. I think I've outdone myself and managed to spite me as well *lol* Hrm, at least the dress has pockets (and err, a big bow on the side).

"You can take the girl out of Blacktown, but you can't take the Blacktown out of the girl". Or something like that ;)

Update: Miss K has assured me the dress looks decent. After a bellini. And 3 glasses of wine. Highly dubious review *grin*

The saddest thing

The stylish shop assistant hands me a dress to meet my non-specific requirements, "I just want a dress that's nice to go out in".

It's black.
It's sleek.
It's sexy.
It's on SALE. Down from a couple of hundred squids to only 45!

I heave a *sigh*, take it off and leave it on the "thanks but, no thanks" rack. It's not that I don't love it, or that I don't look great in it.

It's because I don't have a date to look hot in a black, sleek, sexy dress _for_! *lol*

Don't get me wrong, I have places to go next week where the dress would fit right in. Only I think my girly dinner companions would choke on their foie gras at the sight of the plunging neckline ;)

The bad touch

Touchscreen displays on a plane - sounds like such a *great* idea doesn't it?

Maybe it's just me and my bad travel luck (on the way to Reykjavik I actually had to say the words, "Can you please move, your ass is in my face"), but everytime I've been on a flight with touchscreens installed, I get some techtard sitting behind me who misunderstands the simple concept of touch, and punches the crap out of their display. It's like taking constant pelts to the back of the head *aaargh*

You know, I love technology, I just hate the inevitable techtards. Touchscreens on planes - a *really bad* idea.

Dictionary definitions

It's been awhile since I've talked about bush.

Fair warning: I'm going to be talking about mine. So if you know me, and you don't want to picture my nether regions, don't read on *grin*

Compelling, isn't it? ;)

I'm going to Reykjavik this weekend (for 239 squiddies, it's a bargain!). The land of hot springs and spa. I did the swimsuit test. Yup, it's time to visit the pruner :P

So, first word for today: Neglect

Neglect is when you turn up to the beautician, and she (never met a he bikini waxer) looks and says, "OOOH, it's been awhile".

Yar. Can you blaim me? This city has no sun. There is no need for maintenance :P

Second word for today: Inappropriateness

Inappropriateness is laughing out soo loud, the whole salon hears you, when the beautician says to me, "I need you to turn over and do this" *insert goatse action*

Beautician: "SHHHHHHH..."
Me: "Come on, I don't need to!"
Beautician: "It's part of the package. Turn over!"
Beautician: *after careful examination* "You're lucky, European girls, VERY HAIRY."

Thank gawd for oriental genes :P

To be honest, I thought hard about posting this post. I wouldn't have posted this post if, on the way home, I didn't see this on the bus:

It's a sign.

PS: Yolanta, she's the best in Rondon :)

Re-inspired

*Perfect* solution for the receding hairline issue:

So I was up till 4am this morning...
This didn't help my insomnia.

Don't look too closely, you'll see all the smudges :P Doing this made me realise how shaky my hands are and how bad my eyesight is. New respect for artists and toy designers.

I call him El Rosa Granada! He's meant to be red, but the ink's turned out very pink.

I'm not an artist

It started out easy enough. I had an idea. I was going to base the design on Melody, one of my fave characters from childhood:

However, whilst I was trying to paint in the nose, I made a giant gold splotch right where the tiny petite nose should've been. Aaah shit...

So I decided to give it a gold face mask :P

Unfortunately, I've also managed to smudge gold ink right in the middle of its face. Lucky I have a white ink marker as well :P I also didn't realise I had such butterfingers. I kept dropping its head everywhere and smudging all over the place. Never give me white products.

With the shiny purple arms and pink hair, its looking a bit... odd. Not so much like Melody anymore :P Wondering if I should give it shiny purple undies as well. I don't have many other colours to play with. Just black and silver.

My other problem? Deciding how to finish off the hair without making it look like its got a receding hairline :P

6 degrees

As in, that's what the max temp in Rondon was today (my iPhone told me so ;) ). It was cold enough for me to berate myself for leaving the puffy jacket behind and heading out in only a hoody. Sun might be out, but it definitely isn't warm. So the recession's got to be pretty bad if skanks are selling themselves for a squid in this weather:

(That's "Kisses for a quid" on the bucket)

Zoo is a lads mag. Kinda like FHM in Oz. Only more blatant. The opposition (or Ralph equivalent), is a mag called Nuts. I kid you not. I'm not going to link to them.

I was going to write up a bit on skank culture here, but... I'm too lazy and it just gets infuriating thinking about how women here can be so... uneducated! Girls who go topless in magazines and newspapers here are called "glamour" models. Worst use of the word "glamour" ever... Thank you Jordan for setting such a fine example on how to make money out of giant breasts :P

Sad day :(

What can I say? It sux0rz to lose a play buddy who's always up for anything :(

No more random kisses :(

Thanks for the memories M-San...
Can't wait to hear about your first day back at work *evil grin*

In sequence

There are times, when I sit and watch.

I think I understand Sliding Doors now :) If I had to correlate my life to a tube ride, I'd ask myself, "Where do I get off?"

PS: This post is for Daliborus who needs something to read @ work ;)

I get SPAM

... from my fam a lot. Here's the latest, followed by my response. Let's see if that jerks some tears ;P

=======
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.

Someone who teaches at an Elementary in Thorsby forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Thorsby School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna.

=====
Dearest Family,

To be honest, I'm sick of the "human kindness" emails that go out. Because you know what? Most of the time, they're full of shit. If you don't believe me, here's the proof:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/newradio.asp

No offence, but not all things you read on the internet are true.

Most of the time, they're to make you feel better. F*ck that shit (sorry Ma&Pa). Ask yourself, why do you need that?

To be honest, I've never lost faith in human kindness.

So here's my story. You can bet it's true. When I first landed in London, I had little money, no job, lots of debt and a couch in a squishy one bedroom apartment to live in with a couple. Part of that couple was a close mate. After 6 weeks, the close mate said to me, "When are you moving out?"

I started asking around. I asked another close friend. I use to get calls from this friend when I was living in Sydnery. In the middle of a work day, she'd be sobbing about some drama. I'd walk outside my office, and I'd take the call. This girl, has a 2 bedroom apartment in London. A spare room. This girl was also having an affair with her company's client. I have _always_ *been there* for her. When I asked her if I could stay over for a short period of time, she said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but my partner wouldn't be comfortable with that".

Inside, I was thinking, "You'd rather see me homeless than upset someone who has 3 kids, not by you, and still married".

That's when I ended the friendship.

If anything, that should've made me bitter about humankind.

Another friend, who had little, lived in an ex-council flat, in the dodgy side of London, immediately said something along the lines to me of, "Come stay with me. For as long as you want."

Why lose faith in human kindness when I'm friends with such a beautiful person?